Has it been a while since you’ve last had sex with your partner or has sex become less frequent?
If you’re nodding your head, chances are that you’re going through a ‘sex drought’ and that it’s time to reawaken your sexual desire. We all go through a dry spell at some point in our life, and you’re definitely not alone. The good news is, that I’ve got 5 simple steps to help reawaken your passion in your relationship.
Understanding The Cause
When you first meet someone, sex is at its peak due to the love chemical PEA. What’s PEA? It’s the chemical that the body releases to create the strong chemistry you feel when you have a deep desire for your partner. You know that feeling, where you just can’t keep your hands off each other?!
Generally, after about the 2-year mark, the PEA chemical slowly starts to decrease. This doesn’t mean you no longer want to have sex with your partner, but it requires some ‘work’ to keep things hot inside the bedroom. (If you’re single, then take note of this for your future relationships!)
The other thing is, over time comfort starts to set into the relationship and the areas that we used to make an effort in start to slide. Also, with our myriad of stresses and commitments, sex is not always going to be our priority and that’s also fine. That’s why it’s to focus on understanding and fixing the cause and not the effect.
Communication and Healing Emotions
Are you experiencing some emotional hurts and you feel there are some unspoken words? Communication is crucial and a lack of it can build resentful emotions between partners.
Here’s a tip on how to create healthy communication by using the ‘I feel’ conversations: Partner A stays completely silent while Partner B shares their emotions. While using the words” I feel”, that way you don’t project blame onto the other person. Then Partner A reflects on what they heard B say, and B clarifies anything that A misunderstood. It will help partner A to feel listened to and understood.
When it comes to healing emotions, certain events in a relationship can also lead to a dry spell and disconnect. If something has created deep hurt, for example, an affair, rejection, trust issues, hurtful words or certain actions by one or both partners.
It’s important to work through the hurt in a relationship and if the hurt is not fatal to begin the healing process. Seeing a therapist can be very beneficial if issues are deeply rooted and the relationship feels like it’s stuck.
Make Time For Each Other
If you’re yearning for a deeper connection, more intimacy and active erotic life, you have to take ownership of it, by making time for each other. I suggest skipping Netflix a couple of days a week and keeping mobiles and other distracting tools out of the bedroom.
Also, for some couples, it works to have planned sex, and for others, they prefer the spontaneity. However, if you have lacked intimacy in your relationship, it’s important to set some time aside, and not just to schedule sex, but to have some ‘connection time’.
Eroticism can be experienced in many ways and it doesn’t always have to be by having sex. Try by lying next to each other with your clothes on or off, and just kiss and touch for a while, or just cuddle and connect. You’ll discover how connection and intimacy are building. Most important is that you both show up, and you both get the feeling that you care about each other by making space and time to create intimate moments.
In order to cultivate eroticism in your life, you must bring anticipation into the relationship (it’s the best aphrodisiac). We all desire, novelty and mystery as it creates – Curiosity! A mixture of the above really is the key to healthy intimacy.
Why not get creative and bring in some spontaneous erotic teasers? It will help build anticipation and it can result in both spontaneous and planned sex. This doesn’t have to take up loads of time or energy. Even devoting 5 or 10 minutes a day to flirt with your partner over text, or a quick phone call to tell them something fun and sexy.
Why not get dressed or undressed in front of your partner without allowing them to touch you but make them watch… See what happens if you just kiss for 15 minutes. What happens if you only touch each other above the waist, but you don’t touch below?
Also, switch things up for date night. Try a new place, do something different than usual. Think about the time you invested in each other and all the new things you were willing to try when you first met, this will help you with ideas. Experimentation is not only fun, but it keeps you in a state of anticipation and longing.
Explore your pathways to arousal
If you’d like to experience deep pleasure and expand your erotic palette, it’s all about discovering each other’s pathways to arousal and it starts by exploration. It is hard to look forward to sex when you are relying on the same script again and again (remember we crave novelty). The best way to explore is to create a space that is your ‘erotic lab’. What’s an erotic lab?!
Just think of a chemistry lab, but now move that thought over to the bedroom, and make it erotic through experimenting on each other’s bodies. Start by asking each other questions. “What is it that you currently enjoy? What else would you like to try? How would you like me to start initiating sex?” Your partner won’t know what you like or fantasise about until you tell them– simple as that!
If you are not sure where to start, I suggest you take the Eros Archetype Quiz. This will help you to understand both your own and your partner’s erotic language and it will be a great way to kickstart your lab.